when your heart hurts

Everyone has felt this way before. If you haven’t, you don’t have a real heart; you’re the Tinman in the Wizard of Oz.  It’s the only way you know you have a heart; you know – when your heart breaks.

It starts out hurting real bad. It’s a piercing cut that cannot stop bleeding. Of course it doesn’t really spurt blood that coats everything in red. Rather, it’s a bleeding of emotions that you can never control. At one moment, you’re angry; at other times, you laugh at yourself for being a silly person, sacrificing so much for one person; most times, you would be moping around, not knowing how you really should be feeling. Your emotions turn worlds upside down; not just your, everyone’s.

After a while, as with all bleeding, the bleeding sputters out and eventually it stops. This is when the heartaches start to happen. It’s not exactly a scorching pain; neither is it a dull trauma. It feels more like your heart had been soaking in a pit of vinegar and now it’s just been taken out for it to breathe on the kitchen top. The feeling never really goes away; it’s more a sourness that ebbs. Like a needle prick, your heart experiences stings, especially when you least expect it. The rest of the time, the sourness merely seeps your energy away slowly like a long slow jog. It is a jog that never really tires you out, but you know you really want to stop running. Though you might look all right on the outside, your insides continue to soak in the remnants of the vinegar. Nothing washes away the vinegar, so it continues to eat away at the sinews of your pumping muscle. Of course, it never really destroys anything physically about your heart. It merely eats away at the motivation of your heart. That, most people might agree could be so much more destructive.

Any tears left on the heart will heal; as everyone says, time heals. However, what they never really tell you is that the healing hurts as much as the tearing. Scabs start to form over all the wounds; scabs that pull the heart in different ways. Any callous movements cause the scabs to open once again. As the scabs heal they itch. You know you shouldn’t scratch, but still you do. As with the roller-coaster of emotions, the scabs drive you further crazier than the healing process should.

When does it finally end? It could be never; but when it does, you would definitely know. It might feel like someone had finally realised that the vinegar has to be washed away and dumps a bucketful of ice water in an attempt to get rid of every last molecule. 

Sometimes, the washing works and the heart finds another motivation to pump again. Others might not be so fortunate; the vinegar might never truly be removed. It remains in some crevices, continuing to sting, continuing to destroy. Let’s hope we are fortunate. 

A Song of the Heart

A drop appeared on the windscreen, then, another drop, and another drop. The drops appeared more and more quickly and clustered nearer and nearer each other. The whole windscreen slowly filled up with one drop after another; the scene outside slowly blurred out of focus. Maybe it was the raindrops, maybe it was the tears that had gradually flowed out in the last five or so minutes.

It was not the first time his heart was broken. It had happened countless times before, but with age playing catch up, the last few heart breaks had been considerably harder and harder to handle. Even when logic had dictated that it might have been for the best that things have ended. The pain never really gets any easier to handle. The heart was not an organ soothed by logic. The heart strings that played the melody of our emotions were never going to be appeased by the cold, heartless emotionless logic.

The rain had become a steady waterfall silencing the outside world. You couldn’t hear the nearby cars whizz by in the rain. You couldn’t hear the engine of the car a few lots away. You couldn’t hear the sobs that had slowly become louder and louder. All you could hear was the gentle pitter-patter of the raindrops that fell onto the metallic roof of the car. It was a soothing rhythm that followed the rhythm of the broken heart. Perhaps that was why the rain was soothing. It played a song the heart could understand. Perhaps it was fortunate that it was the rainy season.

As suddenly as the rain had fallen, the rain had abated. The next raindrop took longer and longer to fall. Eventually, there was no more rhythm. The remaining raindrops gathered in large drops and streaked across the windscreen, leaving clear cracks in the veil that had once prevented outsiders from seeing into the car. With more and more cracks forming on the veil, the crying automatically ceased. Tears were hurriedly rubbed away. Tissues were hastily chucked onto the floor. A quick last blow of the nose as the tropical sun broke its rays through the dissipating dark clouds. Society did not want to see a crying broken man.

The window was rolled down to allow fresh air to flow into the car. The last remnants of the rain fell with a pompous aplomb, hitting the roof of the car defiantly, denying the end of the shower. The fresh smell of nature wafted into his nose, pushing out the stench the tears had left behind. Even though the weather had turned for the better, the emotions inside were still the same. There was still a darkness that hovered about. With the moving on of the rain, the man had to leave too. There was nothing left here for him. He would have to wait till the next opportunity when his heart strings could be soothed by the rainy symphony.

freedoms?

Today, another case of youthful bravado clashed head-on with common sense. From what I gather, this isn’t the first for this kid.

So, let’s start with the question. Who is Amos Yee? Do you know? If you don’t spend much time, on the internet, the likely answer is – who? But I guess, he will shoot to infamy soon. By the time you read this, you probably would have heard his name once or twice on the news.

If you haven’t seen his video, here is the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD4y3U4TfeY . I am slightly surprised that the efficient men in blue have not taken it down. By the time you read this, it might be a dead link.  Just for the record, I haven’t seen the entire video. After approximately 2 minutes in, the rants of a little kid acting beyond his years for whatever attention his parents haven’t given him is too much for me to take.

He starts with declaring he is not afraid to be sued by the government. I wonder how much he understands with his threats. I bet you that his parents would be shaking in fear; maybe they might even have bought tickets out of the country. If they haven’t they really should consider. One-way tickets are good enough, don’t bother with the return. I do hope the government sues this kid. Amos, you deserve it.

Amos, you don’t know shit. For someone who speaks in a fancy accent, I seriously wonder what you know. You declare you are happy that the man who built up this country is dead, because you call him a tyrant. If he didn’t do what he did, you wouldn’t have the time to be an internet ‘star’. Singapore might still be stuck in the third world. Kids your age might be slogging away in a factory working long hours for minimal pay. You definitely wouldn’t be sitting in your OWN room, and using your FREE time to film yourself saying such degrading things. If LKY didn’t make some of the decisions he did, you might still be illiterate at 17. Your life expectancy might be 38 instead of 83. You might not even be able to speak any English.

You think that you can get ‘freedoms’ in another country that Singapore cannot afford to accord to you? Then I challenge you to go find that country. You will never find that country because that country doesn’t exist. For whatever freedom you think makes your life that much better, you have to have some (in the words of the western media) trade-offs. Personally, there are really any in Singapore? Is cleanliness a trade-off for gum? Is the ‘liberty’ to own guns a trade-off for personal safety? For your information, people feel the need to own guns because other people own guns. How does that solve a problem? 

Your exercise in your ‘freedom’ of speech is the very thing that can easily break the delicate nature of our country. The very thing LKY worked so hard to prevent. I am glad he is not alive to see this. I think he would have been very sad that you benefitted so much from the country and yet CHOSE to be an ingrate. Yes. Amos, you are an ingrate. You cannot see what has benefitted you because your selfish ambition has blinded you. Unless you have lived in many other countries with a wealth of experience, you are just repeating what you want to believe in – a blind faith in your own selfish hopes.

Lastly, I just want to tell you that the part about Christianity is worse than what you said about LKY. This is another thing that LKY worked his entire life to prevent and you managed to not just be a selfish ingrate, but a bigoted selfish ingrate. As a fellow Singaporean, I am ashamed of you. I am ashamed the education system has allowed you to turn out this way.

You have chosen to stand with the others. Now you have to learn that your ‘freedoms’ come with responsibility. 

You think you are something just because you have a youtube channel with 3257 subscribers? You don't know anything. When you have half the world coming at the drop of a hat to attend your funeral, then you are something. 

the day Singapore turned monochrome...

I had thought about writing for a long time. So many have written and so much has been written about him. What more can I write about? Then the urge to write couldn’t go away. I had to write – something, anything. The title kept echoing in my mind ‘The Day Singapore turned Monochrome’. It took a while but eventually, there would be an event that would shake me up enough to necessitate penning down some of my thoughts. As in all Asian typicality, it took a death to shake things up. Even the demise of my marriage did not rattle me sufficiently. Yet at that time, I was probably more inclined to hide rather than think.

This death is different. Though it is not of something or someone I knew personally, yet I knew many details of his life. His many decisions have deeply impacted my life and the lives of my fellow countrymen. Some know him as Harry, though no one calls him that. Many call him Ah Gong, though it is most ironic whenever the term of affection is used. Everyone knows him by his initials – LKY.

His death was not unanticipated. The country had been waiting, preparing to a certain extend. Many were logistically ready, though I guess judging by the current situation, not many were mentally ready. When it happened, it was the day that Singapore turned monochrome. Many company logos, display pics among others things online turned black and white. I noticed today that most turned up at work in a drab of dark colours. I guess everyone mourns in their own different way; all in their little way a sign of respect for a man who was so much larger than life.

The first world life that LKY has fought so hard to build has suddenly lost so much of its lustre. Yet, the first world cogs that turn this country’s delicate machinery will soon start to run at full speed again. Exactly how LKY had intended it to. In the grand scheme of things, nothing can ever alter the primary purpose of our nation.

His life had impacted the world and his death has impacted the world in a similar fashion. People from all over the world have come out to say something. People from far far away, where their connection to the man is just but a mere fibre have come out to thank him for his life work.

I am glad that our little red dot has been blessed with a leader with enough foresight to see how a backwater port could evolve into an economic behemoth.  Though at the same time, I am greatly sadden that we have lost a national icon. Not least we lost him before #SG50. They keep saying that #SG50 would be an important watershed year. It marks so many things to so many people. Never would anyone thing that it would also mean it would be the first National Day that LKY would not be there. He was there at our very first NDP. He was there at all 49 previous NDPs. It would be different without his appearance. While I think he would frown upon it, I hope they have a short segment just for him.

We need to learn to honour our pioneers. People who have literally fought through so much, just to ensure we never lose even a figurative advantage. After 50 years, we have just started to honour our roots. We must continue. If there are no roots to hold on to, there is nothing to build upon in the future.  

a mindset...

I wonder how many people have read this letter sent into the forums of the Today newspaper. If you haven't, here it is - http://www.todayonline.com/Voices/EDC111226-0000019/Disparity-in-tertiary-education-facilities

It is the view of a fellow Singaporean on the facilities of the education institutions in Singapore. He wonders why ITEs are so well provided for. Yet he observes that the students there do not appreciate what they have been given, hence the amount of vandalism on the campus grounds. This observation was made when the author of the letter went to ITE East for a seminar. He made the statement that if JC or Poly students were given such quality institutions to study in, they would definitely appreciate it more, and definitely not vandalise it.

It is quite sad to see that Singaporeans still have this perception of ITEs students. Are ITE students any less worthy of the a quality education? Would it bother anyone if a JC built a 25 million dollar arts centre? But if an ITE decides to build a shiny building, why are so many eye brows suddenly raised? I believe that everyone has a right to quality education. And that includes the nice shiny buildings that house these institutions.

Would JC and Poly students necessarily appreciate the buildings more such that they do not vandalise the infrastructures? I seriously doubt that. JC and Poly students would probably not vandalise anything because they fear punishment. Not because they have never thought about it. Furthermore, if the ITEs were old decrepit buildings, wouldn't that just invite more students to vandalise them? Shiny new buildings encourage and teach students to cherish and value what they have. Sure they will always be students that break the rules, but these students can be found everywhere. Thinking back to my own JC days, the tables were definitely not in any pristine conditions.

test test...

How long have I not blogged? I am not sure. However, spending some time reading my past post have made me realize one thing. I seem to be more perspective in the past. Did I lose my opinion? Maybe. Or maybe I've just misplaced the time that I need to post my thoughts. Perhaps that might explain the last post right now.

Honestly, there isn't much on my mind right now. But I do think that restarting the blog might be a good idea. Opinions on things that happen will be a refreshing way to see my own thought process in another decade or so. Maybe, laugh at my naive, shallow wit.

It is time to write again, and pick up another cent or two to improve my thoughts.

opinions...

It seems like a long time since I've written anything. And in actual fact it has.

Anyway, here is an opinion on the recent debate on whether criminalizing suicide attempts are effective. And the answer obviously is no. Formally charging someone for attempting to take their lives just seems counter intuitive to how they need help and not someone to tell them it what they have done is "just another bad decision" in their already crumbling life.

The "crime" of suicide probably stemmed from the fact that it is a deterrent. Knowing if you don't complete the task, you would end up in jail somewhere would probably stop SOME people. Perhaps, it might even be a greater motivation to ensure that the attemptees do a thorough enough job to ensure their own demise. Not ensuring this would then lead to jail time. Seems like a very pragmatic, Singaporean thing to encourage everyone to do everything with 110% effort. Failure is not an option.

But I digress. Failed suicidees should be instead given some form of support. Isn't that what they really need? Perhaps what they should do is to institutionalize them at a support facility instead of merely locking them up with others more worthy of jail time. Sure it might mean that a certain amount of money will be needed to be pumped in to help run this, but isn't this what we should expect of society? To extend a helping hand?

People never think they need help till they have fallen through the cracks of society. And when they have fallen through the cracks, they need someone to reach in to pull them out. If they can find the strength to climb out of the deep dark hole on their own strength, they would probably not have fallen in in the first place.

Think about it. When you have fallen into the deepest, darkest place in your mind, would it really help that your physical surrounding is just as dark and cold?

it was merely a stare...

Going by what came out in the papers today, the youths of today are pretty scary. A groups of youths hacked another youth to death just because he stared. Is a stare worth a person's life? Does a stare warrant a death sentence? I honestly cannot phantom what they could have thought. It wasn't even an open challenge to a fight. It was merely a stare. It might not even be a stare. It might just have been an extended look.

One wonders what these youths have been taught in school. Or what these youths have not been taught in school. The violent tendencies of youths these days are worrying. They think they can solve everything with their fists. If everything could easily be solved with their fists, the world would be much simpler. The world population would be much less as well.

I think Gandhi said it best, "An eye for an eye will only leave the world blind." Or in this case, a good long look cost a youth his life.

Perhaps too many youths grow up thinking that they are somehow protected or immune to the laws of the land. They don't take enough responsibility for their own actions. This has to change.

burn a what?!?

I cannot believe or condone the actions of some Christians over in that place I shall not name. *cough-a-cough-mer-cough-ri-cough-ca-cough* I hope I'm not catching my Dad's cough.

Well, I cannot believe they are advocating an public burning of Qurans as a way to commemorate the September 11 bombings. And they claim this is something they believe God wants them to carry out? I really want to ask where he is hearing all these voices from... REALLY? How does this make you any different from the very fanatics whom you are trying to denounce? Your own crazy actions only make the crazy people seem less crazy.

And how do you rationalize the fact that the rest of the world is so vastly adversely affected by your actions. If it were truly from God, you would think that you would have more support. AND, if you really truly believed it was a directive from God, why would you see the need to arm yourself with pistols? Tapping on the gun during the interview while saying you are being well prepared for any possible backlash, is a sign of nothing but a lack of faith to see you through the event. If Our God is for us, who can ever stop us? If you see the need for a gun, you doubt. I truly doubt your motivations.

In the crazy fiasco they call God's direction, they finally claim that if Obama tells them to stop it, they might. And since when did government trump heavenly powers? I just want to say that if you need your leaders to step in to stop something so obviously wrong, then I doubt your own discretion, your ability to see right from wrong, and ultimately even the theology that you preach form your pulpit.

On behalf of the fanatics, I would like to apologize.

Unfortunately, in every community, there will be one of two we like to think we would be better off without.

our national pride...

I saw a letter in the forum today. And I felt compelled to respond to it. It was a letter from a Singaporean who lives in China. She said that to help her 2 children remain connected to Singapore, she got them to watch the parade together. I thought that was an amazing idea. Then came the bomb. She thought that the segment that showed various Singaporeans sharing their dreams to be unSingaporean. It turned her off. She turned the television off.

Well, I loved the dreams segment. I thought that it was great that they got Singaporeans to actually verbalise their dreams. Most Singaporeans just don't share their dreams. Hence, they don't have dreams. Or they don't think they should dream...